A Pause before the New Year
I’ve done this 9 picture summary - winter, spring, summer, fall and back to winter - every year now. I include a caption with what I learned but this year feels different. I feel an aching and uncertainty I never felt before. I’ve tried to keep this all to myself, close to my heart but it’s bleeding out. I wanted to talk about it, but my pen seemed to be trapped, straddling the line between transparency and airing dirty laundry. .
Any sort of dissolution, or separation or a time of heavy conflict in a marriage is hard. Heartbreaking. I use to feel us being so different made our love that much more magical, that much more unique. Him with with dreads and Phish tunes blaring and those wild eyes and me with my flower crowns and floral dresses and antique perfume bottles. But that imagery only glosses over real life. It was more than us dancing on his front yard in New Haven during a summer afternoon, laughing and telling stories. .
It was more than that. Somewhere along the way from then and now we seemed to have lost ourselves or each other, rather. And it hurts. It aches. I had a home full of love and music and cooking and laughter and it’s all gone now. Because like I said it was more than that glossy image, there were arguments that lasted for days, all the tears, the stress. It seemed to happen when the seasons got colder and more vengeful with their winds and the skies have been aggressively grey and sad. .
In this new year, I hope to find light. I hope to find peace and healing and answers. I hope no matter what, I can feel the way I once did. I miss dancing under the sun. I miss the knowing and being when you’re in love. But I also know I can’t sacrifice all of me, all my time with family and friends, my hobbies, my energy - all of me in the name of love. I want balance and love and to feel joy again. I hope I can. I have faith. .
Thank you for reading my story. I wish you all so much peace + love this new year.